it's amazing how much can change in a day.
yesterday morning started out absolutely awful, which put me in this nasty funk for the rest of the afternoon. i had a terrible morning at work which was very discouraging and for a few minutes made me hate christmas. the night before i had decided to go to the mall with my brother to christmas shop, which ended up being mostly frustrating and i'd say the whole experience was not very joyful.
then my family went christmas tree shopping and i was just in a lousy mood, very quiet... when that is normally something i would enjoy and look forward to.
then by the time i got home, i was thinking that i didn't really want to go to church that night, and that i would just sit around in comfy clothes and get stuff done (like bills, reading, job researching, etc.) katie wasn't going and erin decided not to go so if i was going to go to church, i was going to have to go alone. then i thought that maybe i should go alone. i felt totally indecisive and it was less than an hour til i had to leave. the molly called and said she was on her way :) so i ended up going with molly to church!
the worship was great and then there has been a guy talking about advent for the past few weeks. i really enjoy everything he has to say, and he even does little write-ups every week (i guess as a take-home devotional), so i have yet to read that. but he talked about fear and how when the angels appeared to the shepherds, they were
terrified. but the angels commanded them not to be afraid.
i feel like at this point in my life i am afraid of so many things. just before the service started i was talking to molly about how i was so excited for this trip to israel, but now that julie decided to go and i therefore decided to go, i am scared. i feel like i live my life in fear - big fears and subtle fears. a good percentage of my day is consumed in fear. which is ironic because i love that verse in 1 john that says, "perfect love drives out fear". and God is full of perfect love. so what do i have to fear? i don't know; it made me think. it makes me want to address my fears & confront them with truth. so many fears are derived from me not being close to God and from allowing satan to convince me of lies. seriously, if we are in Christ, and we believe God in His character and His promises, what can we possibly fear? not even the darkness can overcome us :)
anyway, something i'm learning.
so then phil gave the sermon, and it was on hungering & thirsting for righteousness (matthew 5:6). it's just interesting how in the Bible God tells us to seek righteousness above all else, and everything else will fall into place (which is absolutely counter-cultural). then phil just kept asking how we are seeking after the Lord - what does our relationship look like with Him this week? how is He first in your life this week? that's truly convicting for me because i can't think of the last time i sat down with the Bible, or practiced silence to hear God's voice. and here i am making plans for africa! seriously there is something wrong with that. then he read this verse:
"Unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven." the people who were listening must have been like, "what the crap!" the pharisees WERE the standard of righteousness, and Jesus was telling them they had to
surpass that level of righteousness to get into heaven. which introduces grace. and then phil said, "there were people who obeyed the law but MISSED GOD." which reminded me of my prophets class and how righteousness & justice are tied inextricably together. righteousness=justice and justice=righteousness. righteousness exudes from a RIGHT relationship with God, and it always looks like His justice (toward the poor, the oppressed, etc. - God's HEART). phil said,
"If you reduce God and diminish His justice ,then you will never understand His love." FOOD FOR THOUGHT. how have i been trying to box in and confine God? how have i been trying to define God my own way? what would happen if i were to truly seek after Him for all that He is? i feel like it would turn my life upside down.
The Pharisees missed it; do we get it?so our righteousness comes from the inside out - starting with a heart that is
right with God. my heart is not right with God. i am not as close to God as i should be.
sooooo realizing that, i took it home with me and had something to think about. i am planning on spending more time with God this week, and it is a DISCIPLINE! gosh. it really is hard. i feel like just about anything will get in the way. but i need to seriously value Him and my time with Him if i want my life to honor Him at all.
so anyway, i felt better after the service, and then today has been just a pile of blessings. i went into work this morning and although it was monday and i was not feeling it because it was monday, i had a great meeting with my boss and found out that i don't have to be working on christmas eve (which is great because it means i can see my family and possibly meet my new baby cousin!), and then i went to the grocery store and got that done (i'm making cookies tonight for our staff christmas potluck tomorrow), and then i went to meet with ryan about getting involved at providence and he just spoke truth to me, and it was so very encouraging. it's so great to meet with a brother who is doing work for the Kingdom and in love with his family. he also asked me about what's going on in my life and it is great to have a listening ear. then he prayed for me, which is also something i've been sorely lacking in my life.
so i'm excited about getting involved at providence, and in a net group hopefully. then after that i went shopping for my teacher gifts because i'm a procrastinator apparently and i realized it was really too late to order them from a catalog, and i kind of didn't like the catalog gifts anyway, and so i went straight to the mustard seed. i found the PERFECT gifts and even managed to get a discount! and i got cards and then i bought two books for myself because i heard they were really impacting:
the shack by wm. paul young and
90 minutes in heaven by don piper. i have a feeling they will be really easy reads, so i am excited to read them as i have kind of been in a reading slump and need a jump start. i also got my own christmas cards and a small gift for one of my roommates, then decided that i am going to get gifts for my immediate family and my roommates this year and send out cards and small gifts to everyone else.
oh and in the midst of all this i got asked to babysit one of my favorite families on friday night, so i am excited for that - and i got an email back from the mom after i agreed saying "YOU ARE THE BEST!" and it just made me smile. we should all encourage each other like that more often. it feels good.
THEN i stopped at my parent's house and my mom & brother were there and i got to catch up with both of them a little bit and my mom had a PEANUTS coloring & activity book to give away and i was really excited 'cause i love childlike activities such as coloring so i think i will work on it while i'm making cookies tonight!
THEN i came home and what is sitting on the floor? a little package. and i see it's from the mocha club! i got my free dave barnes comedy dvd :) i'm so excited to watch it.
and speaking of free, the rock boat/sixthman sent us this box of SWAG and in it was a sample cd of all the artists that are going to be on the rock boat - i seriously thought i was only going to like about 5 bands, but i am LOVING this cd. it makes me so excited to hear all these great new bands :)
so now i am off to work on christmas, Jesus, books, cookies, and dave barnes comedy dvds.
a poem that really encouraged me last night:
He did not wait till the world was ready,
till men and nations were at peace.
He came when the Heavens were unsteady,
and prisoners cried out for release.
He did not wait for the perfect time.
He came when the need was deep and great.
He dined with sinners in all their grime,
turned water into wine. He did not wait
till hearts were pure. In joy he came
to a tarnished world of sin and doubt.
To a world like ours, of anguished shame
he came, and his Light would not go out
He came to a world which did not mesh,
to heal its tangles, shield its scorn.
In the mystery of the Word made Flesh
the Maker of the stars was born.
We cannot wait till the world is sane
to raise our songs with joyful voice,
for to share our grief, to touch our pain,
He came with Love: Rejoice! Rejoice!
-"First Coming"; Madeleine L'Engle
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